It was a monumental day. Six months after giving birth and I was back into my regular clothes. Rushing through the Vancouver airport wearing a beyond fabulous DVF new dress and smashing stilettos to match.

Was so preoccupied with not falling over as I teetered along (it had been at least a year since I wore really high heels) that I almost didn’t notice men looking at me. Business men in lovely tailored suits.

At first I thought it must be a lucky one-off; an I’m-wearing-a-beyond-fabulous-DVF-dress glow. But no. One fellow even stopped mid-tracks and nudged his friend.

For just a moment things went into slow motion and became a bit surreal. I had gotten so used to being invisible to the opposite sex. Not that men didn’t find me attractive. It was more like I had a big imaginary mommy-off-limits “X” crossed out in front of me.

A few years before, I read Esther Perel’s wonderful book, Mating in Captivity, where she talks about how North American men, generally, see pregnant women and mommies as asexual. It was only men from non-Anglo Saxon roots that would flirt with moms.

I thought it an interesting observation. That is until I became pregnant with my first child. The first bloom of obvious pregnancy had men shifting their focus to seeing me as a “Madonna”. Then when I was always sporting my child on my hip, I became invisible.

At first, I chastised myself for being so shallow and needing other people’s validation. But discovered it was much more than that. Somewhere, somehow, I allowed myself to be okay with being invisible—maybe even encouraged it by buying into the “well, I’m a mommy now so I come second” mentality.

Was in the Safeway this past Saturday night and a (non-Anglo Saxon) man overtly flirted with me. I looked at him like he was quite mad, then slightly turned to the side to show him my 5 ½ month baby bump to say, “As you can see I’m pregnant. Am now waiting for you to hide shocked look and scamper away.”

Not deterred, he went on flirting. Unlike pre-baby days, I had no idea what to do, so just nervously laughed and got the heck out of there. I wondered as I left the Safeway, would this have happened if I had my son in the shopping cart with me. Probably not.

It was then that I understood why so many moms no longer feel attractive/ sexy/ sexual. Even if they are. It’s, in part, the acceptance of being invisible to the opposite sex when they are in full on mommy mode.

Many friends have shared that when they went out dressed up without children, all of a sudden they were getting looked at. They felt so good about themselves. At the same time, like me, were not used to having any kind of attention and didn’t know how to react.

I’ve worn that beyond fabulous DVF dress with my child in tow. Nothing, nadda. No men stopping and nudging their friends. It’s like I have an invisibility shield around me.

It’s a bit of a chicken and egg question: which came first, men seeing moms as asexual; or moms putting themselves in that asexual role?

The bottom line is: too many moms feel asexual and invisible which makes it incredibly difficult to get into a sexy mode.

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