So ok - I suck. You guys have to tell me how you got your men to acquiesce to the ball snip - aka - vasectomy. Mine won’t do it - and I’m not about to ruin my tummy tuck with an open abdominal surgery (they can’t go in with a laparascope thru your belly button if you’ve had one - heads up).

Onward - I had a Mirena, for 5 years - then when my daughter was a shade under 5, they showed it to me in an ultrasound. I didn’t like seeing it in there - why did I have to walk around with a mini grappling hook in my uterus? Besides, Mirena releases low-dose hormone directly into your uterine lining. Since I wasn’t going to quit smoking, and I really didn’t want to have a stroke, I directed the OB to pull it.

“What do you plan on using for birth control?” - I asked my husband the same question. His response? “Baby, I have never gotten a girl pregnant if I didn’t want to (the man is a 22 year old frat brother for life). I can pull out…we don’t need birth control…I have control”

So that was it - I tried condoms for a day, diaphram (ick, personally, I’d rather wipe it off my belly than have to deal with the goopy unearthing of the rubbery dome).  I hadn’t thought about it for a while until I started trying to lose weight. I weighed myself diligently every Monday. This is important…I wrote the weight in sharpie on a chart in my bathroom. The week I got my period, I was up a pound…so I remembered that was the week I got my P.

Not only do I suck at consistent birth control, I am a shitty weight loser too. About a month later, I was awaiting my P - having written down my weight, I looked at the chart and thought, “hmmmm - I’m due for my P on Monday”. 

IT DID NOT COME ON MONDAY, OR TUESDAY, OR WEDNESDAY, OR FRIDAY, OR SATURDAY…on Sunday, I broke down and bought a pregnancy test. Okay, I bought 4. Negatory all around…WTF? I freaked out on my husband “If I’m pregnant, we just rewound the freedom clock to 19 years left…” (my youngest is 7 and gifted and talented, with the right amount of grade skipping, we’ll be free in 10 years). I am very very very pro-choice, just not sure I could make that choice myself. I think of it as a resource driven decision. We’re not broke, we know what to do with a baby, it wouldn’t be that bad…more selfishness and laziness than anything, is that a solid reason to pull the rip cord? I don’t know.

Onward - I told my husband that I would practice abstinence until such time as we had a more permanent birth control in place. He laughed. Then he said “are you kidding me, how many times have you done this to yourself? You know your period is coming. Are you sure the dates are right?” I ran to the chart…oh shit…I gained a pound twice last month - once when my P was on, and oh yeah, the next week too. I MIS-CALCED BY A WEEK!

So. Not pregnant. My period came Wednesday, a mere 2 days off what was expected. So - having been too insanse to consider sex for the past 8 days, I started calling docs. My doc first - family practice that’s been doing my paps. Nope, not our deal, call the OBs. Called, swear this was what the receptionist said, “I’m sorry, they take IUDs out, but this practice will not put them in for religious reasons” to which I replied “ok, aren’t they scientists?” and the receptionist said: “No, ma’am, they’re doctors”

And so - in my ultra red-, ultra Xtian hood, no uterine wall mollys for the heathen. Fine. I called further out and found not only a female NP that would do it, but one that would do it on Friday morning! Hallelujiah! I don’t know what that means, but it feels like the right thing to say.

Guess what tho? I did uphold my “abstinence until birth control” rule…it was like 13 days, my Xtian friends should be impressed. I almost caved, but feel good about holding my ground this one time. Oh, and I gained 1/2 a pound. And I still want to know how you got your husbands to do it? Please tell me.

Filed under: Fabulous Guest Bloggers, Just Venting, Sex, humor for women