Tis’ the season for house guests.

Family and friends traveling from all parts to spend time with one another over the holidays. Besides having the usual anxieties around getting the house guest-clean, making big portions of food, there’s the “Are we going to have sex?” dilemma.

My unscientific observation is that half the population are exhibitionists and don’t mind if the people in the next room know what’s going on; the other half of the population feels extremely self conscious and just can’t get up the nerve to do the horizontal mambo.

I’ve had both types as house guests. To be fair, given the spare bedroom is directly below my master bedroom, most of my guests have been discreet. But, of course, the few who were not stick out like a sore thumb.

One guest took my good towels out of the bathroom because she had her period and wanted to have sex. Granted she saved the bed, but imagine my horror finding said towel pitched in the laundry room like it was just another piece of laundry. The “good towel” was immediately tossed.

Another couple woke me up at 1:00 a.m. and then at 3:30 a.m. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced waking up to someone else’s sex noises. As much as you’d like to, you can’t fall back asleep.

As I experienced waking up to sex sounds many times (ex-university roommate always brought home screamers), I usually sit tapping my fingers, looking at the ceiling, waiting it out by doing a play-by-play, “come on…that’s it…just a little more…just a little more…oh…oh…gosh darn it…they’re not done yet…”

The reason the above couple stands out is they took their sweet old time…not once but twice. Who has that kind of energy in the middle of the night?

For me the awkwardness rears its ugly head the next morning. Bleary eyed, chugging coffee, grumpy because I didn’t get a good night’s sleep—I want to confront the offenders. But really, what can I say? “How was it?” really isn’t appropriate because I felt like I was in the middle of the action. In fact, part of me wants to give tips on technique.

And there’s no use complaining to my husband. His rebuttal to me is, “We’ll you’re the sex expert.” Yes, I’m thrilled (and jealous) that a couple who have been together for 25 years are getting their jiggy on (twice!); HOWEVER, not when it comes between me and my precious sleep.

Well lucky for everyone, the holidays are short. If you’re staying at someone’s house and are concerned about the “squeak, squeak, squeak” of the bed, make sure to stay connected even if you don’t feel comfortable having intercourse. As for you exhibitionist, for the sake of all things good in this world, keep the sex noises to a dull roar.

Filed under: Fabulous Guest Bloggers, Sex