Effortless Sex?
By WorkingMomLifeline.com Guest Blogger Dr. Trina Read
It’s the weekend and my 13-month-old son is teething.
He woke up twice last night angry and then even more cranky mood early this morning. He’s tired, hurt and frustrated. I’m tired, hurt and frustrated. My husband—who is a great dad, husband and man—was able to sleep through it all.
Now my husband, after having experienced a lovely sleep-in, is cozying up to me, acting sweet, loving, and helpful. I call this Santa Clause syndrome—he is on his best behavior so he can get a little something. You see, on weekends, we make great efforts to get some loving time in.
I suppose somewhere deep down beneath all the tiredness I wouldn’t mind a little romp. Connection time and a much needed boost of oxytocin and endorphins would really help. However, any desire that I can muster is currently being squashed by, “If you wanted to have sex today, then you should have helped with the baby last night” ruminations.
And I’m not afraid to tell you that this morning I’m wearing my anger like a queen’s robe, prancing all over the house. At the same time, like a master ninja I’m deflecting any affection my husband might want to show me.
I would really like to work this out, but to be quite honest I don’t have the energy to have a heart-to-heart, constructive conversation with him. You see, ironically, I don’t want to spoil the rest of our very short weekend together by starting a fight.
So instead I say nothing. And by choosing to be knee deep in my stewing I put a kibosh on any intimacy time with him. Feeling my rejection, he’s hurt and pulls away. Like clockwork, the “big white elephant” suddenly appears in the room; there to haunt us and be an undercurrent of tension which stokes the fires of our next impending fight.
Having a great sex life in a long term relationship can be complicated enough. When kids come along having great sex can become a gong show, because it’s not about the sex it’s about all the stuff around sex that gets in the way of having a meaningful connection to your partner.
As such, I’m convinced that there really isn’t such a thing as effortless sex—as much as Cosmopolitan magazine would disagree with me. Even when you were dating, you had premeditated sex.
It breathes much-needed life into a comfortably numb existence. It’s what makes our relationship with our partner worth having over the long haul.
And so my friends, the time has come for you to have much deserved great sex.
Dr. Trina E. Read, The Busy Woman’s Sex Expert, helps busy women have fun and meaningful sex. She is an Author, Sex Coach, Media Expert, Magazine Columnist and International Speaker. Visit Dr. Read’s website here. Look for her new book in January here.
Filed under: Fabulous Guest Bloggers, Sex
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Trina,
You hit the nail on the head, your intuitive line, “it’s not about the sex, it’s about all the stuff around the sex…” made me laugh and nod my head in agreement.
Your little one may only be 13 months old, but give it time and you’ll see - it doesn’t much matter whether they’re eight (and want/need you to play Kerplunk, Trouble, foosball, sing karaoke, listen to a made-up rap song…4 times in a row) or whether they’re 15 (and absolutely need, need, need you to take them driving so they can flex that new Learner’s Permit), it’s all the same.
Bottom line - if your signficant other has chosen the prone position on the couch and he’s doing an impression of Mr. If-I-pretend-to-be-sleeping-nobody-will-ask-me-do-anything Invisible Man, then yup, he’s pretty much going to get the quiet freeze-out from moi and most of us women.
Since most women very rarely park their butts on their own couch (because we’re all a bit busy and keep lists of things to do all over the place), we resort to our own version of ‘Oh yeah? Two can play at that game!’
It’s dumb and usually backfires, but we’re all guilty of it, at times. To be fair, I don’t think most of us say to ourselves, “Time to be a chilly biatch”, it’s just sort of one of those things that creeps in and takes over…beware the dark fog…
Once you and your true love (open for interpretation by each reader…) open the lines of communication again, that little “romp” can go a long way to livening up the afternoon. Ofcourse, you should leave the dishes in the sink, especially just for him.
