Every generation seems to have its version of advice on how to enhance romance. In the 70s, there was Marabel Morgan’s Total Woman, which basically advised women to be a combination of biblical helpmeet and Playboy bunny. (Joan Rivers tried the suggestion that wives wrap themselves in Saran wrap and nothing else, and lie down on the kitchen table, and her husband’s reaction was, “What, leftovers again?”)

In the 90s, there were The Rules, telling women to play hard to get and never to admit how much money they made. And these days you can find hundreds of books recommending that a wife turn over all the finances to her husband because “it’s too hard for li’l ole me”, even if she’s the primary breadwinner.

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I’ve always seen vacations as a one-way ticket for couples to have some well deserved fun sex. An easy way to shake off domestic routines and allow the more relaxed side of our personality to come out.

In fact, countless couples have shared their out-of-their-usual-comfort-zone sexual escapes when they were in a foreign city/ resort/ beach.

Imagine my disappointment when just the opposite happened. I just got back from a skiing vacation with my husband’s family—a large, lovely and fun group of people. But there was zippo sex and now zippo desire to have sex for…quite some time.

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A lack of sexual desire (the thoughts you have around sex) is the number one reason couples in North America stop having sex.

What that means for you is: if you have negative thoughts towards sex before, during and after the sexual encounter, it will profoundly dampen your desire to have sex.

I call it the “oh crap” phenomenon—“Oh crap, do I have to have sex tonight”, or “Oh crap, you want sex now! Can’t you see I’m exhausted?”

To get back your sexual desire, you need to start having positive thoughts towards sex. Think about something that is an indulgence—a bath, a professional massage, reading a book uninterrupted for an hour. You look forward to these times because it’s all about you and is a nurturing space.

This is how you should feel when going into the sexual experience—it’s all about you, and your needs, wants and desires do matter and will be attended to.

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Yet another story around speaking at the Taboo Sex Show; this one comes from Vancouver. A colleague mentioned a discussion with her morning waiter from our hotel restaurant. When he found out what she was selling at the show he confessed that no woman he has yet met was “perfect” enough for him.

As such he decided the best compromise was to buy a perfectly proportioned blow up doll. Problem was it was going to cost him $10,000 USD plus. He had been saving from his two waitering jobs since and had almost come up with the entire amount. He was eagerly anticipating when he would finally be able to have his perfect woman.

What I found interesting was my colleague’s reaction. She is in the business of selling sex paraphernalia and yet she was mildly disgusted with this man’s intentions. From her reaction, I assumed he was some overt pervert let loose in Vancouver.

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When I was 25, I bought a self-waxer from the Sears catalogue. Like clock work, every two weeks I would drag out the waxer and go about dehairing my body.

About two years ago, Sears stopped carrying the units of wax that fit into that specific waxer model. Scrambling, I tried a bevy of over-the-counter dehairing alternatives but nothing worked all that well. I was forced to default to shaving.

Shaving worked well enough, that is until I was in my last trimester of pregnancy. Because of my round belly, I could neither bend over nor see the massive amount of hair growing on my nether regions. Hair problem was relegated to the category of: out of sight, out of mind.

That is until six months after giving birth…I had whipped into the shower and coming out, I glanced in the mirror and noticed a massive afro of hair where there used to be a perfectly coifed Brazillian. I looked down even further and there were two hairy mammoth legs.

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I used to be a cynic of Valentine’s Day. A cash grab day of cheesy gifts and mediocre service by overburdened workers.

I certainly don’t want to sound ungrateful to past loves who made a romantic day solely for my pleasure. But their sincere efforts always felt contrived, like they were forced into it by guilt.

Now married for several years I’ve had to reevaluate my crotchety old belief system. I’ve come to appreciate the importance of looking for reasons to be romantic with the person I’ll be spending many, many years with.

Valentine’s Day is our once a year reminder that it is extremely important to show our partner a little bit of romance. Especially since romance is a much needed balm to rub on a super busy, letting-our-relationship-coast lifestyle.

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